Between Us

I know again…the story of my life…that it’s been awhile since I updated the website. As you’ve heard before, I’ll say again, I’ve been busy….doing what you ask, well let’s see….

SCHOOL – as if that’s a surprise to any of you, but I am almost done. I’m in the home stretch and simply can’t wait for December 20th! That is the last day to complete assignments and turn them. I will wake up on the 21st so very relieved!!!

I have a new sister-in-law.  Will's middle brother, Andy, has finally said "I do" to a beautiful girl, Meagan!  She already has been a great addition to the family!

Alyssa and I just completed our Girls on the Run 5k and we both had fun…although she finished before me and well, I was really sore after and she wasn’t, but we won’t mention that! 12 long weeks of lessons, crazy work schedules, lack of sleep, all led to one great moment….finishing with (well, sort of with) my precious Alyssa! It was ALL WORTH IT!

I have to admit that there is a part of me that’s a little shocked by how “merry” I am this holiday season. It’s been a tough year in so many ways, YET I am happier this season than in years prior! It could be that the 20th is really close to Christmas and I’m really excited about that, but I think it’s just that God has answered some really hard prayers for me. HE has replaced hurts, fears, and worries, with simply joy and peace!

I’m sure that at least one of you can relate, but over the past few months, I have found it really difficult to pray – not for others – but for myself…to pray and really believe that God will answer MY prayers. Don’t get me wrong, I completely believe in the power of prayer, wholeheartedly! But, isn’t easier to believe that God will work miracles in other people’s lives, but not your own?

I’m still healing from our loss this summer, BUT God is good and faithful! (No, we’re not expecting again – not that we know of anyway.) But to look over the past 6 months and to see not only where I’ve been, in the depths of hurt, but also to see the joy that lies ahead. I don’t cry as much, I’m not questioning why, I’m not even angry! I’ve moved on, God has healed the loss and I am forever grateful. I am however (I have to admit) that I have been slightly jealous – ok, maybe more than slightly- with all the beautiful pregnant bellies around me. So many close friends who have found out they were expecting after my loss are now showing more than ever…they’re beautiful. And until today, I’ve been jealous! They have all been a reminder of where I “should” be, of what I “should” look like now. After all, my due date is right around the corner, too!

So why am I better today? My God is good and has answered even the deepest cries of my heart. Through the pain and jealousy, all I’ve wanted was to be genuinely happy for each and every one of them. Today, I received news that another person is expecting and for the first time, I smiled…for the first time, I didn’t struggle to say congratulations and mean it. For the first time, I have HOPE and JOY and PEACE in my heart again! I am grateful!

Because there’s a few of you who are expecting a precious bundle of joy reading this, please accept my apologies for just now really becoming excited for you! I love you and have been praying for you (I really have been) and am so happy to have you in my life! It is this very moment that I have been struggling to reach for quite awhile and I am celebrating it today!

Ok, this has turned out to be longer than I wanted and so for those of you still reading, I didn’t mean for this to be so long or to even sound a little sad! This CHRISTMAS season is going to be amazing and is already off to a great start! I have much to be thankful for and am literally counting my blessings and you’re all included!

To all who may have been logging in to check on me for any updates, please forgive me for a delay.  As I'm sure you can understand, I needed some time away...and I'm sure you appreciate not receiving any depressing updates as well. 

Anyway, I was going to post this as a short hello, but I suppose it wouldn't be too short and well, the page isn't working for updates at the moment.  So, without further adue...(sp?)

Will is no longer pursuing the Army...or should I say - they are no longer pursuing him.  Kind of hugely bittersweet as their reason for declining is STUPID....sorry, but that's all there is to say about that!  Not sure what his next step is going to be, but I pray that God is totally guiding his steps and writing new dreams in his heart. 

Alyssa and I have been participating in Girls on the Run.  I am coaching a group of 9 girls, including Alyssa, twice a week from September through December in life lessons that apply to girls and growing up, along with training them to be able to complete in a 5K race--3.1miles.  They are an outstanding group of girls and I am loving every moment.  (well, getting up early and rearranging my schedule has proven to be quite tiring, but worth it.)

I am currently enrolled and completing my VERY LAST CLASS!!!!! Praise Jesus....it is by His strength that I will make it through. Physiological (Biological) Psychology is the class and well, not necessarily something I want to learn, but it has to be done.  December 20th is the last day of class and can't come soon enough!!!  The commencement ceremony won't be until the spring, but truth be told, I just want the paper and a celebration party at home.  (My school is in Virginia and well, that's quite far away and not sure who'd be able to be there with me.) 

As for me....compared to previous months, this month is the first time that I can say honestly that healing has been taking place.  God is good and has carried me through some very tough, dark, and difficult moments.  I am forever grateful for a dear friend who encouraged me to not just seek counseling, but to seek a divinely set prayer appt with Christian Healing Ministries.  I have released control over my future - lol...well, at least for now - and feel so much better knowing that God is in control, whether I let him be or not.  Staying busy has helped, between work, school, Girls, and home....all of it has helped.

My precious baby girl, Alyssa, has officially turned 9 YRS OLD.....not sure when she started to grow up, but wow.... She's such a beautiful girl and has a wonderful heart.  Now, if only we can get control over those already wacky emotions, we'll be on our way.  PLEASE PRAY FOR ME and WILL...Patience, we need patience. 

I realized that i have lots of pictures that I haven't posted lately so look for some soon! 

I leave you all with the lyrics to a song that has touched my heart in so many ways.  It's "He is with you," by Mandisa.....

There's a time to live

And a time to die

There's a time to laugh

And a time to cry

There's a time for war

And a time for peace

There's a hand to hold

In the worst of these

He is with you when your faith is dead

And you can't even get out of bed

Or your husband doesn't kiss you anymore

He is with you when your baby's gone

And your house is still,

And your hearts a stone

Cryin' God, what'd You do that for

He is with you

There's a time for yes

And a time for no

There's a time to be angry

And a time to let it go

There is a time to run

And a time to face it

There is love to see you

Through all of this

He is with you in the conference room

When the world is coming down on you

And your wife and kids don't know you anymore

He is with you in the ICU

When the doctors don't know what to do

And it scares you to the core

He is with you

We may weep for a time

But joy will come in the morning

The morning light

He is with you when your kids are grown

When there's too much space

And you feel alone

And you're worried if you

got it right or wrong

Yes He is with you

when you've given up on ever finding your true love

Someone who feels like home

He is with you

When nothing else is left

And you take your final breath

He is with you

I am thankful everyday for so many people who have held my hand, wiped my tears, answered my call and texts for help, and generally gave me a reason to smile through it all.  But mostly, I am so thankful for the Faith that has carried me through in the Strength of the God who is the only one who can truly heal me.  I don't know how anyone without faith in God can walk through some of the hardest trials in life and still be standing. 

Sitting in Silence

Sitting in silence is where you’ll find me…

Overwhelming thoughts circulating in my head.

The tapes that just keep rewinding,

Leaving little room for much else to be said.

My heart stops just before it breaks…

Picking up the pieces of what’s left,

Gluing them back together with my Faith in the One

Who promises to heal me.

Sitting in silence is where you’ll find me…

Concentrating on breathing,

Reminding myself to go on living,

Telling myself to remember to smile, to laugh and get up.

I don’t like the new me that I’ve become,

No longer wanting to be left alone.

The broken pieces of my heart fall again and surround me,

I return to my Faith in the One who promises to heal me.

Sitting in silence is where you’ll find me…

Day after day, month after month passes,

Viewing the new me though different glasses.

Trying to come into focus,

What do I see?

Sadly, broken, overwhelming Me!

Sitting in silence is where you’ll find me…

Relying on the One who promised to heal me!

I promise that I am doing really well on most days.  I do wonder how long the grieving process will continue, although I'm pretty sure that a small part of me will be broken for some years to come. 

As most of you know, October 15th is my and Will’s anniversary…This year we will celebrate 4 years of marriage and so much more. However, this year we will not only celebrate our wedding anniversary, but will also honor this day, October 15th along with so many other women and families the “Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day - A day of remembrance for all babies who have died to soon, from early pregnancy loss or thru infant death.” As we are still healing and grieving from our loss on June 12th, we’d love for all of you to join us in not just this day of remembrance, but also in participating with us in the Walk to Remember on Sunday, October 11th at 2pm. The walk will begin at Friendship Fountain off prudential drive. Once I get more details, I will happily forward them on to all who are willing and interested in walking alongside my family. If you are reading this and do not live in the state of Florida , you can go to the website for information on walks and activities in your state to participate in: http://www.october15th.com/activities_walks.htm

I know that there are some people who think that it’s time to move on and not dwell on this any longer, but I can’t. 3 months, 3 years or 30….I just can’t forget the loss; I can’t forget the life that was growing inside. And for the sake of so many other women, some who have suffered through multiple miscarriages, the support for everyone should be so much more readily available AND offered. I choose to remember.

Thank you all for supporting us and acknowledging the loss that we suffered through this year. On the Throne of heaven, our God is still good and I know that our little Angel is happily cradled in the arms of Jesus!

(Some of you reading this may not have experienced a loss, but may know someone who has and I really encourage you to share this with that special person.)

Sending much love to you all.

The Loss of a Dream

Where does your heart go after the loss of a dream?

When dreams change, you change with them…

When they’re taken, what do you do?

Stolen in the darkest of places,

From a place that should’ve provided protection.

My dreams of conception had finally come true.

To end in an instant, no warning in sight,

My dream was gone, stolen before night.

The shattered pieces of my heart around me,

Empty arms and nothing to hold.

Two months have passed,

And still I can’t see.

Where does my heart go after the loss of a dream?

Today's been a tough day for me and I don't really know why..unaware of what has triggered a day of grieving and more healing.  Struggling with the thoughts of the lost dream, the baby I once had growing inside me only to be gone before I ever met him. 

Having had lots of really good days in between, I also struggle with how these sad ones still decide to show up when I least expect them.  Contrary to the sadness that still lurks around, I'm getting better each and every day, trying to figure out how to carry on - healing has begun for the loss of my dream. Praying and praying for strength every day.

I’ve been struggling greatly with anxiety lately and anyone out there who’s ever experienced it can understand how simply suffocating it can be and how difficult it is to hear through the muffle of worries. It’s like a static that won’t clear. My heart has been heavy and emotionally, I’ve been drained…..the in between stage (the fuzzy picture) where we see the light, the picture, but can’t fully make it out, “what is it?” It’s God calling me out of the funk! He’s got something greater and grander, bigger and better….but what is it? It’s HIM. He is our source of comfort, our knight in shining armor, our shield and our protector, the one who birthed us into existence and cradles our cares and worries in His arms.

Seeking my way out of the emotional roller coaster of the past couple of months has been a difficult journey. I’ve been praying, journaling, reading, crying, and repenting, over and over and over again – continuing in a cycle of healing over the lose of MY hopes and MY dreams. Wanting soooo badly to see the big picture…how was my loss to be used for good, how were my shattered dreams going to be used by God? While, I still don’t know, I push through the static, continuing to adjust the picture on the screen in my mind, and all I see is God’s arms waiting for me…for me to reach out to Him in return.

So, what am I waiting for? I see Him, yet, I stand here staring, hesitating…WHY? Is it the anxiety provoked by not knowing what to expect? Is it the good and bad from my past that continues to circulate in my mind, reminding me of all the things that I struggled with that led me to this moment in my life? Is it the feeling of being unworthy? Is it a problem in seeing God as I see my earthly father?

I feel it in my soul, the moment is near – the time to stop stalling – the time to stop saying “yes…no...Yes…no…yes…maybe.” God, I pray and beg that you reach out to me further, grab hold of me Father so that I can’t pull away anymore in fear of being vulnerable. I know that I need you; I know that it is you that my heart longs for! It’s the safety of your arms, God, that I have sought after all these years…I cast my cares upon you and in you I trust my heart…for in your arms, I know it’s safe. In Jesus Name, Amen.

I still don’t know why or how He’ll use my loss to Glorify Him or if how I’ve handled it has done a great job. But it is my prayer to step over the line of fear, to allow my heart to trust so deeply in Him that it will seek no other comfort than His.

As I wrote on my facebook page, "God is good. God is great. And He is worthy of all my praise!" Truly and amazingly - this is the song in my heart!

Yesterday was the big "check-up" day....We went in for the check up and we saw the hand of God in His grace and mercy stand in His place of Honor.  The so-called "tumor" that the ultrasound showed last month was no where to be found!  Whatever it was, is no more! Everything showed to be healthy again and there was nothing of any concern.

Hope was the smile in my heart and it's still there today. 

My life has been forever altered and the hurt in my heart will forever remain. I have my days where someone who doesn't know approaches me with a "congratulations" and my heart breaks all over again - but it's getting easier.  I walk past the baby toys, the soft plush teddy bears and blankets, I touch and hold, and tears swell to my eyes, but I get through.  More than one of my close friends reveils one of the greatest joys - she'll be a mommy again...where at first this was a struggle, I have joy and rejoice at such a gift in their lives! 

It has now been over a month past since our Angel flew home, and yet it feels at times like only yesterday. My days have grown brighter as each day gets a little easier.

May I say thank you....to all of you who let me share my heart, wasn't scared away by my emotions, and especially to you who acknowledged that whether I have pictures or not, my baby was real! 

Ok, so I suppose that it’s time to follow up on my last blog post. I am sure that it caught MANY of you off guard and maybe even stopped you from chatting with me sooner. I’m sorry. It really was just an outlet for me to get out to so much to so many that was boiling within. Please know that it’s still safe to talk to me….I am ok. (Really!)

Still empty, still healing and grieving, but each day does get better. My heart still hearts, but I still trust that God knows what he is doing. Selfishly, I wanted that baby, but he belonged to God and God alone. This experience has been one of my greatest fears come true and for someone with insecurities and trouble allowing myself to be vulnerable; it’s been especially tempting to lose to the fear of it happening again.

I’m obviously in a season of trusting, waiting patiently for God to show His plan to me. I know that we would not have lost the baby if not for some reason – if something was not wrong. I know that God does not make mistakes and that God works all things for the good of those who believe in Him. I trust Him!

But…. Did I mention that I am a terrible control freak? While I’m 100 times better than I ever used to be, but things seem to hit hardest in this area of my life. My greatest lessons are learnt when I stop trying to control God (like that could ever happen anyway). So, as I sit and wrestle with the thoughts floating through my head, my struggle is not why did this happen, it’s not why me, it’s not even any longer about “ruining MY plans,” it’s about will this happen again. Yep—the fear within comes floating back up. My heart pleads and begs, “Lord Please do not allow it to happen again.”

I recognize that the opposite of fear is faith and trust in God. So as the worries of my heart linger, I choose to remain steadfast in my search for ultimate faith and trust in the One who controls it all. I know that even if it happens again, God has not failed me – He is still on the Throne, yet by my side through it all!

Thanks to all of you who have walked with me, prayed with me and shared with me on this journey! I love you all!

Well, I'm not quite sure where to start, but I have a lot on my heart right now.  There haven't been many short hellos mostly because I've just forgotten to keep this site updated lately, but the past few weeks have been quite a roller coaster.  To some of you reading this, what I share will be of no surprise, but to others it will be.

On May 24th, Will and I found out that we were expecting....YES A REAL BABY. ( I know there's some out there that would have thought this day would never come, and to that I say "me too.") We were all very excited and Alyssa couldn't have been a more excited soon to be big sister.  Everything seemed to be going well, even to the 6 week check up on June 5th.  However, on June 9th we began a new season of life as the first signs of pregnancy loss showed it's UGLY head.  June 10th, the ultrasound did not show a 7 week old fetus either..,,,I was in fact pregnant and yet the outcome was not the one I was expecting.  Friday, June 12th, our precious little baby was called back home to his Creator in Heaven. 

Wednesday June 17th (which was supposed to be the big day where we finally get to see our little peanut and watching his heart beating) ended up being the day where the doctor's would in fact confirm the miscarriage and make sure everything else was ok.  After a week of hell, we couldn't wait for some sort of closure.  Unfortunately, it didn't turn out the way we expected....we wanted the all clear, but instead the doctor shared that there was what he suspects to be a benign (non-cancerous) tumor on my left ovary.  We still have a month before we get blood tests and another ultrasound (hoping that it will go away) but if not, then surgery is likely. 

YES, I am very much ok physically, but emotionally it's a struggle at times.  I'm not mad at God, I really haven't asked Why, but the anger and resentment and frustration still lingers!  While I very much had friends and family praying for me and with me through the worst of it all last week, I suffered alone - totally unprepared for what I was experiencing and had no clue what to do afterwards.  HOW DO YOU GO FROM BEING HAPPILY PREGNANT ONE DAY TO EMPTY AND BARREN THE NEXT (WITH NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT)?

To all of my friends and family members who have ever gone through this tragedy, I am genuinely sorry if I wasn't there for you when you needed someone to just be there.  To everyone who doesn't know what to say and so decides to say and do nothing at all, just be there - don't pull away!  A hug, a shoulder, a kind and gentle thought.  My heart is driven right now, likely out of pure emotion, but in compassion for every woman who has ever gone through what I went through feeling completely unprepared, left without resource and at times more alone that you wanted to be. 

I don't need to hear that it will all be ok, I know that it will!  I don't need to hear that there's a reason for everything, I know God doesn't make mistakes.  I definitely don't need to hear that i'm still young and fertile and can try again, that doesn't erase the lose that I've experienced.  And please, don't ask me how I'm doing unless you really want to know.  I simply don't have the generic, "I'm fine," within me to just put on my Christian happy face and pretend that nothing traumatic has happened recently.  YES, I am ok, Yes, I will be ok, Yes I am clinging to every ounce of hope and faith within me - and Yes, I know that I serve a good God whose ways are better than mine.

I very much want to try again and am determined not to allow the fear of possibility overcome my life, but for now, I must focus on the current issue at hand.  To those of you who successfully delivered a precious baby after experiencing a loss, God bless you and I hope God blesses me again with that chance.   

In the meantime, I am a proud mommy of an Angel in Heaven....a saint that i can't wait to meet one day.

Some of the resources I've found to be helpful:

www.october15th.com

http://www.rememberingourbabies.net/store/Default.asp

Thank God for the internet, but there's nothing better than face to face contact with someone who cares.

Stressing…Stressing….

I’m stressing myself out.

Why am I struggling to calm myself down?

Perfection, procrastination, frustration abounds…

I’m stressing myself out.

Disappointment, rejection, resentment, irritation…

Why am I struggling to calm myself down?

Breathing and breathing…

No air is releasing. Suffocating, frustrating…

I’m stressing myself out.

Lord, help me today…save me today…

Release me from myself.

I’m struggling, Lord, and stressing myself out.