Between Us

Well, I'm not quite sure where to start, but I have a lot on my heart right now.  There haven't been many short hellos mostly because I've just forgotten to keep this site updated lately, but the past few weeks have been quite a roller coaster.  To some of you reading this, what I share will be of no surprise, but to others it will be.

On May 24th, Will and I found out that we were expecting....YES A REAL BABY. ( I know there's some out there that would have thought this day would never come, and to that I say "me too.") We were all very excited and Alyssa couldn't have been a more excited soon to be big sister.  Everything seemed to be going well, even to the 6 week check up on June 5th.  However, on June 9th we began a new season of life as the first signs of pregnancy loss showed it's UGLY head.  June 10th, the ultrasound did not show a 7 week old fetus either..,,,I was in fact pregnant and yet the outcome was not the one I was expecting.  Friday, June 12th, our precious little baby was called back home to his Creator in Heaven. 

Wednesday June 17th (which was supposed to be the big day where we finally get to see our little peanut and watching his heart beating) ended up being the day where the doctor's would in fact confirm the miscarriage and make sure everything else was ok.  After a week of hell, we couldn't wait for some sort of closure.  Unfortunately, it didn't turn out the way we expected....we wanted the all clear, but instead the doctor shared that there was what he suspects to be a benign (non-cancerous) tumor on my left ovary.  We still have a month before we get blood tests and another ultrasound (hoping that it will go away) but if not, then surgery is likely. 

YES, I am very much ok physically, but emotionally it's a struggle at times.  I'm not mad at God, I really haven't asked Why, but the anger and resentment and frustration still lingers!  While I very much had friends and family praying for me and with me through the worst of it all last week, I suffered alone - totally unprepared for what I was experiencing and had no clue what to do afterwards.  HOW DO YOU GO FROM BEING HAPPILY PREGNANT ONE DAY TO EMPTY AND BARREN THE NEXT (WITH NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT)?

To all of my friends and family members who have ever gone through this tragedy, I am genuinely sorry if I wasn't there for you when you needed someone to just be there.  To everyone who doesn't know what to say and so decides to say and do nothing at all, just be there - don't pull away!  A hug, a shoulder, a kind and gentle thought.  My heart is driven right now, likely out of pure emotion, but in compassion for every woman who has ever gone through what I went through feeling completely unprepared, left without resource and at times more alone that you wanted to be. 

I don't need to hear that it will all be ok, I know that it will!  I don't need to hear that there's a reason for everything, I know God doesn't make mistakes.  I definitely don't need to hear that i'm still young and fertile and can try again, that doesn't erase the lose that I've experienced.  And please, don't ask me how I'm doing unless you really want to know.  I simply don't have the generic, "I'm fine," within me to just put on my Christian happy face and pretend that nothing traumatic has happened recently.  YES, I am ok, Yes, I will be ok, Yes I am clinging to every ounce of hope and faith within me - and Yes, I know that I serve a good God whose ways are better than mine.

I very much want to try again and am determined not to allow the fear of possibility overcome my life, but for now, I must focus on the current issue at hand.  To those of you who successfully delivered a precious baby after experiencing a loss, God bless you and I hope God blesses me again with that chance.   

In the meantime, I am a proud mommy of an Angel in Heaven....a saint that i can't wait to meet one day.

Some of the resources I've found to be helpful:

www.october15th.com

http://www.rememberingourbabies.net/store/Default.asp

Thank God for the internet, but there's nothing better than face to face contact with someone who cares.