Between Us

Ok, so I suppose that it’s time to follow up on my last blog post. I am sure that it caught MANY of you off guard and maybe even stopped you from chatting with me sooner. I’m sorry. It really was just an outlet for me to get out to so much to so many that was boiling within. Please know that it’s still safe to talk to me….I am ok. (Really!)

Still empty, still healing and grieving, but each day does get better. My heart still hearts, but I still trust that God knows what he is doing. Selfishly, I wanted that baby, but he belonged to God and God alone. This experience has been one of my greatest fears come true and for someone with insecurities and trouble allowing myself to be vulnerable; it’s been especially tempting to lose to the fear of it happening again.

I’m obviously in a season of trusting, waiting patiently for God to show His plan to me. I know that we would not have lost the baby if not for some reason – if something was not wrong. I know that God does not make mistakes and that God works all things for the good of those who believe in Him. I trust Him!

But…. Did I mention that I am a terrible control freak? While I’m 100 times better than I ever used to be, but things seem to hit hardest in this area of my life. My greatest lessons are learnt when I stop trying to control God (like that could ever happen anyway). So, as I sit and wrestle with the thoughts floating through my head, my struggle is not why did this happen, it’s not why me, it’s not even any longer about “ruining MY plans,” it’s about will this happen again. Yep—the fear within comes floating back up. My heart pleads and begs, “Lord Please do not allow it to happen again.”

I recognize that the opposite of fear is faith and trust in God. So as the worries of my heart linger, I choose to remain steadfast in my search for ultimate faith and trust in the One who controls it all. I know that even if it happens again, God has not failed me – He is still on the Throne, yet by my side through it all!

Thanks to all of you who have walked with me, prayed with me and shared with me on this journey! I love you all!