Between Us

I’ve been struggling greatly with anxiety lately and anyone out there who’s ever experienced it can understand how simply suffocating it can be and how difficult it is to hear through the muffle of worries. It’s like a static that won’t clear. My heart has been heavy and emotionally, I’ve been drained…..the in between stage (the fuzzy picture) where we see the light, the picture, but can’t fully make it out, “what is it?” It’s God calling me out of the funk! He’s got something greater and grander, bigger and better….but what is it? It’s HIM. He is our source of comfort, our knight in shining armor, our shield and our protector, the one who birthed us into existence and cradles our cares and worries in His arms.

Seeking my way out of the emotional roller coaster of the past couple of months has been a difficult journey. I’ve been praying, journaling, reading, crying, and repenting, over and over and over again – continuing in a cycle of healing over the lose of MY hopes and MY dreams. Wanting soooo badly to see the big picture…how was my loss to be used for good, how were my shattered dreams going to be used by God? While, I still don’t know, I push through the static, continuing to adjust the picture on the screen in my mind, and all I see is God’s arms waiting for me…for me to reach out to Him in return.

So, what am I waiting for? I see Him, yet, I stand here staring, hesitating…WHY? Is it the anxiety provoked by not knowing what to expect? Is it the good and bad from my past that continues to circulate in my mind, reminding me of all the things that I struggled with that led me to this moment in my life? Is it the feeling of being unworthy? Is it a problem in seeing God as I see my earthly father?

I feel it in my soul, the moment is near – the time to stop stalling – the time to stop saying “yes…no...Yes…no…yes…maybe.” God, I pray and beg that you reach out to me further, grab hold of me Father so that I can’t pull away anymore in fear of being vulnerable. I know that I need you; I know that it is you that my heart longs for! It’s the safety of your arms, God, that I have sought after all these years…I cast my cares upon you and in you I trust my heart…for in your arms, I know it’s safe. In Jesus Name, Amen.

I still don’t know why or how He’ll use my loss to Glorify Him or if how I’ve handled it has done a great job. But it is my prayer to step over the line of fear, to allow my heart to trust so deeply in Him that it will seek no other comfort than His.